The net that catches all

February 1, 2008

It appears that I live every moment in fear, to some extent.

No, I don’t have some sort of paranoia. But — I am afraid of something.

Of disappointment.

I think that is one of the universal fears that we secretly carry inside. We fear disappointment like it was the end of the world. We don’t want to be disappointed in our family, friends, job, money we make, food we eat. We fear being let down.

I fear being disappointed in life.

More specifically, I am perpetually carrying this feeling that I have not arrived. And I don’t mean that in commercial sense, like I’m not making it big with my music — though that’s a part of it.

I just feel that I am more than what I am now. I haven’t fully realized my potential. In any of the things I do. As a composer, as a guitarist, as a singer. Also as a husband, as a father. At my day job, I am a developer — but I can also be a consultant, a leader, an architect of information.

Not that I’m obsessed with being everything I can possibly be. And I’m happy that I have places to go.

But it once again comes down to that threshold of “good enough.” I am not a perfectionist, I definitely let things go before things reach that level.

My definition of “good enough” is still pretty demanding, apparently. I’ve been doing this for 34 years, and I am not anywhere near it.

I suppose that makes life worth living. I do feel for trades and fields where you’re supposed to peak very early in life — most sports, but especially likes of gymnastics, and figure skating. To be recognized, you have to virtually be a prodigy, someone who matures and fulfills his/her potential very early. And many just live after their peak, in the shadow of it, the long rest of their lives — I imagine.

On the other hand, classical musicians are more compatible with our general life. Musicians in 30’s are considered just getting started. Voice is not supposed to fully mature until about 35. You do your best work around the middle age, probably from late 40s to throughout 50s, perhaps into 60s.

That seems like a nice time frame to aim for.

I have a long way to go before I fully embody my potential. Perhaps I should be happy about that. It is exciting to dig deeper and discover things that I didn’t know I can be.

I just hope that on my death bed, I look back to my life with pride and satisfaction — feeling vindicated, that I realized much of what I was given.

Then I will be completely free of this fear.

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