Guilty
March 20, 2008
Welcome, new visitor! My name is Ari, the man behind Aries9. Here I share my thoughts on music and life, so you can get to know me and my music. Thanks for visiting!
I know I shouldn’t have done it.
My 1-year-old son was about to take a bath, but I was caught up reading comic books in a different room. You see, giving kids bath has always been my job.
I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but I thought I could get away with it. But then I lost track of time.
When I realized that I had been reading for a while, I rushed to the bathroom — which had been eerily quiet.
And I discovered my son, floating in the bath, with his diaper still on.
I panicked, picked him up, and put my ear to his chest. The heart! It wasn’t beating!
Consumed by my raging guilt, I laid him down to administer CPR….
And that’s when I woke up this morning. Imagine my relief.
I’ve written before about my bad habit of thinking I can get away with something I shouldn’t do. And really, I don’t do anything major. I don’t do illegal drugs, drive drunk, cheat on my wife, or even smoke cigarettes, eat excessive junk food, or knowingly break my promises to others.
But still, I am acutely aware that little things I neglect can lead to big consequences.
Like not holding my son tightly while coming down the stairs. If I drop him the wrong way, he can die right there, or become paralyzed for the rest of my life.
But don’t get me wrong. I really don’t live my life in fear of mistakes. I’m not advocating that we eliminate all possibilities of any human errors at all cost.
That said, I think the way to eliminate this guilt is to strive for every single action of mine to be inline with my values.
Not to be a perfectionist, but if I felt that most of my actions were 1) intentional, meaning I deliberately chose to do so, and 2) consistent with my values — then I can accept the consequences of my actions, no matter what they are. I don’t know what I mean by “most” but let’s say, like 90%. I’m only human, so I am not aware of every single thing I do every day — and I don’t want to fuss over little details. Just most of it.
When I think of where I am now, I’d say I’m about 60-70%. It’s really not a scientific measurement, but I would say I live my life mostly inline with my values.
But there are areas that need to be improved. For example, I still sleep too little. I usually get away with it, because I can fall asleep in the bus in my commute — missing my bus stop is the extent of the damage. But more importantly, I get terribly sleepy when I’m driving, which is really unacceptable.
As with everyone else, I’ve been watching the whole New York Governor scandal. And while I definitely don’t condone his actions — he made terrible mistakes, fully knowing that they were terrible mistakes — I can acutely relate to his sense of guilt. I’ve done things before, things I shouldn’t have done, thinking that I could get away with it. And sometimes getting caught.
Life is not to be underestimated. To live fully, you have to stop taking shortcuts and trying to cheat.
Believe me when I say, living honestly is much more fun. I guarantee it.
Filed under: Ari, Reflections |